Ponderings

I know this may be scattered, which is why it's bulleted, but these are just some of the things God has been bringing up lately and I figured I'm way overdue for a post hehe....

Things I've been pondering lately:

Self-esteem vs. self-respect. The world wants to shove the idea of self-esteem down your throat. They say you are nothing without it but it really isn't about esteem, rather it's all about respect. If you don't have self respect you have nothing. Self-esteem is a self centered idea whereas self respect is a self denying way of life, not simply a state of mind in which one should walk in to obtain a "stable and healthy lifestyle".

Where and who is my identity placed? I am not defined by what I do, the friends I have, the school I go to, the career I will one day have, nor the man I will one day marry. I am not a student, miss "most likely to succeed", a daughter, sister, future wife, nor future mother. These things are things I may do and titles I may carry but they are not who I am. I am a daughter of The Most High King, Creator of heaven and earth- the Great I Am. I live my life and do these things to bring Him glory because He's worthy. For Him and to Him.

If God is love, then love is God? I think not...love is an attribute of God, something that can't be explained or intellectualized, no definition. As much as one may try to figure it out I can promise you your mind can't wrap around it. There are so many different aspects. God allows us to see and even display His love in so many forms its unfathomable. From the smell of a rose to the sound of a baby's giggle- these are examples of His love. I want to taste and smell and see and hear and feel the love of God- for it to flow into and out of me...To lay down my life for my friends.

I have to focus my eyes on Him and believe Him, not just accept Him. To pursue Him with everything and be willing to lay down the foolish things in me that amount to nothing. To die to live for Him and love for Him so he gets the glory. To walk in the freedom in the midst of chaos. I have to be willing to walk in the spirit. To but to death the desires, feelings, aspirations, even my idea of what my life is supposed to be like, the path it is supposed to follow in my head, and simply run after Him.

I can be waaaay to analytical, anyone who knows me will tell you this. I have this thing inside of me, this urge to try to figure everything out on my own first, to engineer it all...but in reality that does nothing but frustrate me and delay Him in what He's wanting to show me. I have to let go and give up because in and of myself there is no good thing. I have to simply focus my eyes on Him and truly get to know Him because that right there is eternal life (Jn 17:3), to know the Father and Christ whom the Father sent. Eternal life is not some futuristic thing, it's not later- it's now. People just have to weigh it out. They must decide for themselves if it's worth it and its hard, that's for sure! We can be such selfish creatures! Consumed with anything and everything. You have to come to the place where life isn't about you anymore. The only thing that makes dying to live for Christ worth it is the simple fact that He is worth it. People will never find true satisfaction until they stop using God as a means to the end and simply serve Him as the glorious end that He is. I have found myself not being satisfied, of being in a state of desperation crying out to just know the character of Christ. To be hungry and thirsty for righteousness but at the same time things of this world... Oh to be disconnected from this world and its distractions! But then I think, would it really be easier? Probably not. But that's the battle, that's the war in everyone. Do we give into the things that are continually etched in the depths of our souls and on the tablets of our minds every day? Or through the power of the Holy Spirit, the promised helper, overcome those desires and walk in the spirit? (Rom 6,7,8). I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil. 4:13).

He's teaching me how to just simply walk in the simplicity of the gospel rather than sell out to the emptiness of religion. I've been questioning so much...This whole "home church" thing, what is it really? I used to look at it as the only right way and my responsibility in it was to pull others to it. But the more I look at it I was simply trying to pull them to another structure rather than Christ who is the only structure. To tell them that where they are is wrong. But God is working on the people. I am not to climb on every roof top and tell them to come out of their church buildings-is that what He wants? That just requires words. My job is to live this life in obedience unto Christ. To live a blameless life so that He can make my righteousness shine as a light and my justice as the noonday (Ps 37:6). A box is simply a box if Christ isn't there. Where ever we (the Body of Christ) are THAT is where He is. Where two or more are gathered in His name there He is in the midst. If we have this mentality it won't matter if we are in someones house or in a field somewhere- if the true followers of Christ, those who are hungry and thirsty for righteousness and truth, come together, that's what it's all about. This whole "home church" term we throw around so loosely can become a major stumbling block for us. If we don't get that it's about relationship (and not our definition of what we may think it is but His which He has to reveal to you) all we have is hypocrisy. All we are left with is a bunch of people who get up and dressed on Sunday mornings, bring their scripture or some story about what happened in their week , their dish for the day, to perform their religious duty to "come to home church" but when they go to their own homes afterward they act no more like the Church than someone off the street. How ironic. If we can't live it in our own homes then we have no right to talk about it on "Sunday morning"- it's hypocrisy! and we have to break away and mature in Christ. It's the difference between wanting and doing. We must simply BE the church. It's a WAY OF LIFE and He is redefining what life in Christ truly is to those who are willing to seek it out.

I have come to a place where I want to have Gods PERFECT will in my life, not just his acceptable will. To not settle for a little piece of flesh. And it's hard, its oh so hard at times but you know, He never promised us it was gonna be easy but, He did promise us a helper and peace, rest in the midst. The word says it was for freedom the Christ set us free. Free from what? Free to what? Free from ourselves, from religion, and free to Him. To walk in the simplicity of Christ. To love him and love people. He will confirm our son/daughter ship and only He can because until He does nothing or no one will be able to. When He does you will know! We have been given the spirit of adoption by which we cry "Abba Father" (Rom 8:15)-He never leaves us fatherless or orphans (Jn 14:18) BUT we have to first prove ourselves children through obedience (Jn 14:25). There's that whole DO thing again. We have to get away from the hypocrisy that talks about all the good things but never does them. We must go from acceptance to application. Without the application we bear no fruit, and if we bear no fruit, are we truly the sons and daughters of God? or are we cut off from the vine? (Jn 15:2,6).

I say I am seeking true satisfaction with Him but why? Because I don't want to be caught up in this world system of religion, materialism and emotionalism any longer. I want truth and He is truth. May the lamb that was slain receive the reward of his suffering. Use me.

"Make of me be a vessel that You can always use. No matter how You break me, what I win or what I loose. Let me be a vessel, pure and holy in Your eyes, Lord hear me when I cry, for You to make me a vessel...make me into what You want me to be, oh Lord may my prayer be..."