Not My Own

There are so many things going on right now. I almost feel like I’m in some crazy dream one may have after drinking too much coffee or something. Christ is doing so much in me, teaching and revealing so much. It’s very much so welcomed and overwhelmingly satisfying in a weird way. As much as it hurts and makes me uncomfortable I must say that it is worth it. As long as He gets the glory from it I will go through whatever He chooses.

"But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you." 1 Peter 5:10

He’s continually showing me that nothing I have actually belongs to me. My money, my grades, my dreams, my family, my friends, even my own heart- these things aren’t mine. I’ve always viewed myself as a very giving, transparent person. Someone who lays it all out on the table. But lately Christ has been showing me that there are little pieces of my heart that I hold back from people. Not only has He shown me that but why I do it. It’s all based out of fear. It astounds me because I never knew this about myself. It puts the verse that says “our hearts are deceitfully wicked, who can know them” into perspective for sure. I hold back from certain people and certain types of relationships in fear of getting hurt. If I can’t figure it out it bothers me and I want to run from it. I’m so used to having everything planned out and knowing what’s gonna happen and in relationships I don’t. And honestly, that scares the mess out of me. I have this tendency to hold those pieces of my heart back out of fear of getting hurt. I can be so cynical about things because I don’t like feeling vulnerable but, it’s when I’m vulnerable that I have to actually put my trust in Christ and not myself. It's when we're vulnerable that Christ can actually use us, break us, mold us, and shape us. It’s the unknown that scares me. But it shouldn’t. No questions asked. The Lord spoke to me last week and said “Lauren, simply trust me” which is what He has been telling me for a while now and of course I respond with the usual “I will, it’s just so hard”. But He showed me while driving to school one day “Lauren, stop trying to use me as a means and simply serve me as the glorious end that I am”. That hit me square between the eyes. I never would have thought that’s what I was trying to do. I am so thankful for the Holy Spirit which quickens us and teaches us all things. Relationships with people aren't supposed to be easy, you know, that whole love your neighbor as yourself thing, walk in the light, it's supposed to be challenging, that's how we grow and move on to perfection. I want every single part of me to be His. Even if it feels like my heart is getting ripped out I still have to trust Him because ultimately, it’s in Him that I live and move and have my being. All this other stuff will pass away but the Word, His word remains the same. May those words be quickened within my soul and burn in the very core of my character (and yours), to simply be in Christ and Christ in me (and you) so that He receives the glory! So be it. He’s worthy of it all.